so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
