she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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