Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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