That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
