in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
