I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
