This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
