On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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