My Higher Power is John Stamos
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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