I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
