I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
