I wish I could punch you in the face.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
