just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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