There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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