I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
