dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
