His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
