You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
