it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
