called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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