she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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