Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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