also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
