you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Did I show you my penis last night?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
