at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
