were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
