You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
