So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
You can't special order awesome
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Randomize
