I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
