Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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