a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
