I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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