there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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