Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
