i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize
