Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
