I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
