yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
This is not my ceiling
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
