you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
