what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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