And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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