I accidentally burped into my bong.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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