why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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