I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
