I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
