Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
there's paper in my vomit.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
