Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
