textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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