I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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