I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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