in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i love accidental penises.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
