I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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